This is a difficult subject, and to protect those who have no wish to be part of public life, names have been redacted.

As is part of the delights and tribulations of most obscure cult ensembles we have recently acquired our first fan on Twitter. ​

When a significant event of this order takes place any reputable absurdist performance art group has a responsibility to be prepared to handle the interest it generates.

We therefore always have contingency PR arrangements on standby carefully to handle   situations. These arrangements can be swung immediately into place by pressing a discreet knee-operated microswitch under a flap installed beneath the desk in my study.

Although such arrangements must be kept ​secret so they can be a nice surprise for everyone, I can tell you this much: it involves the erection of a marquee and the delivery of roughly 2.5 acres of tempting canapes and a big can of peas. All this with a mere 12 hours notice so that a situation breaking this afternoon can be presented to the public in a fully canapeed manner first thing in the morning.

(Note to self: get the verbal ​SLA with the supplier committed to paper)

It is hard to foresee every circumstance which might precipitate a rapid response. Today,   for example,  I became aware someone known to me and me to him/her had tweeted enthusiasm for an unspecified Five Andrews show. After a little trouble with the microswitch, its flap and my knee, solved by strapping a pencil to my thigh - a thing which gave rise to delighted distraction for the cat - the situation-managing arrangements were set under way swinging immediately into place. 

Despite these best-laid plans, it became apparent from a second reading of the tweet during some chocolate that any member of the public reading it would already be aware of the breaking news that we had a fan on twitter. What, precisely, then have we left to manage of this, frankly? Canape mayhem, that's what. So thank you very much, Twitter fan. Please don't concern yourself about the disappointment you've caused. You're our first, and welcome.

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