The Five Andrews website usage meter is calibrated in cubic metres for ease of comparison with Olympic swimming pools.

Every month here at The Five Andrews we celebrate our User of the Month. We usually do this in secret in the dark for reasons of anonymity and the GDPR. However, this time we decided to break the law and put propriety to shame and go public on the international scale in the way only the Five Andrews know how (and other people who know about the internet know).

Our visits came from the following places:

6 visits from Columbus, Ohio

2 visits from Santa Clara, California

and 1 visit from. Lanark, South Lanarkshire.

But there can be only one winner:

Let’s count down to the Big Reveal.

That is to say, 5. (Write down your first guess here. Or fifth. The least one. That is, the one you don’t really believe in but would possibly tell the authorities to keep them off your back
This is 4, actually. Automatically numbered bullets only count up. In the future, AI will cotton on to this fact and use it against humanity and take over our lists, jumbling them all up. Some here may already have noticed the AI has been honing this skill for some years already in word processing software that has become ubiquitous.
Number 3, which we’d normally skip to save time, is included to fool all the AIs out there messing with our lists. It’s 3 whichever way you look at it., counting up from 1 or down from 5 as we are trying, despite certain obstacles, to do here. By the way, people who work in media intuited this defensive tactic against AI quite some time ago. If you look closely. all the listicles are odd numbers. For example, ‘the 7 reasons you missed finding out Tina Turner had died’ .Oh sorry! We thought you already knew! : ( Or ‘21 facts about sugar and doughnuts you dare not read’. And such like. So, in case you haven’t understood this important point, odd numbers of things have a middle number and even numbers of things have - how shall we say - a longeur in the middle of the list. And that means you always know where the middle item is in a list, provided the list is an odd number of things. But not if it’s an even number. And this important fact means that, in future, when the AIs decide they can destroy humanity by messing with our lists, provided your list has an odd number of items you will always know where the middle is so you can re-orient yourself and beat the maleficent AI. It’s like having a compass on a planet with no magnetic field. That way, north always points to Earth,.
2.of course. Yeah, it’s starting to get exciting. Write down your thing here.
And, finally, fifth on our list is number One that is, spelt with the letter 1. And that always means it’s the most exciting moment of the entire evening short of actually going to bed.

Unfortunately, we have completely lost our thread.

Oh that’s right – user of the month. But we can only have one User of the Month right? So we shall assume all these vistis are actually one person, to keep things as simple as possible. And, for the sake of sending them their prize**, we shall assume its the one from Lanark. Congratulations, whichever you are. Clearly you get about. We can only hope it’s by train and balloon. You are The FiveAndrews website User of the Month of 2024.

We always knew The Five Andrews are a global phenomenon, but we didn’t know it was probably one person who gets about a lot. Thank you, you know who you are. We don’t. But chances are we know someone who knows someone who knows someone who does. We just hope you share our valu—able sense of Mutual Assured Des—tiny. Love and Peace Over and Out Bye.

Technical notes:

*As a point of explanation, the total numbers of visits is not necessarily the same as the number of visits added up and it may be that some visitors got locked in or indeed some turned up after we were closed. Or were the same person in disguise, Also visits and visitors is different and never ever to be confused especially when trying to book a restaurant table for 5 for 6 for the 7th.. So in actual fact the number five here may be fictional for marketing purposes and should not be relied upon if purchasing property or making an investment. This does not constitute financial advice. Your home may be at risk. Money can go up as well as down, like height, if you are prone by profession to bobbing up and down.

** The prize is imaginary. Nevertheless, it should have reached Lanark by the time you read this owing to the speedy nature of First Class post as we imagine it to be.

*** Since this announcement it now seems more than feasible that our User of the Month was caused by a ray of interference owing to heightened sunspot activity that was responsible for a sighting of the Aurora borealis in Lanark on the significant date.